Sir, We Have a Situation
by MidKnight Rider
Summary: This is a crack-tag to Bluemoonmaverick's delightful Five Nights in Nottingham. Thanks for letting me play along! It's a little Halloween fun as well.
1. Chapter 1

All in all, considering his considerable experience in Special Forces and the SGC Jack should have known that the night of revelry celebrating a job well accomplished was really just the calm right before the DHD exploded; or the mothership landed, or whatever this planet's version of it hitting the fan was.

He was sitting at breakfast with a hangover that was just on the right side of bearable, indicating a great night with just the right amount of celebrating. Breakfast was also doable, not as bad as some of the things they had been offered in their interplanetary travels. Daniel was certainly wolfing it down with abandon, talking in between bites and swallows as usual and Jack was ignoring half of it, as usual. But it was a pleasant enough morning.

It would be more pleasant if Sam had stayed to have breakfast with him. She and Teal'c had gone off earlier to explore. He was just starting to get concerned about where they might be when his radio crackled.

"_O'Neill?"_

"Go," Jack answered with his thumb on the button. Daniel shut up and watched, suddenly still. Teal'c hardly ever used the radio.

"_We have a situation."_

A few choice words came to the forefront of Jack's head. He bit them all back and went for 'professional military commander' instead.

"Situation?"

Sam came on. "_Sir. It's Maybourne."_

The choice words demanded an outlet again, making Jack grind his teeth.

"What did he do?"

"_I think you should meet us. We managed to get him into the upstairs rooms."_

"Roger that. On our w_ay."_

Jack stood, pushing his plate aside. Daniel took two more forkfuls of scrambled egg and then hurried after him towards the stairs.

Jack was muttering a string of unflattering phrases under his breath.

Dogging his heels, Daniel said, "Letting Maybourne out of our sight for twenty four hours is _never _a good idea."

"Right," Jack said, briskly, "Except for the part where I didn't have to look at Maybourne for twenty four hours. _That _was fantastic."

"Well," Daniel said soothingly, "Soon we'll be back at the SGC, where every day is a day without Maybourne."

Jack grunted as they got to the top of the stairs and turned into a corridor. "That should be the new SGC slogan."

He started to say more and came to an abrupt stop. So abrupt Daniel ran up on his heels.

"What the hell?" Jack said.

There was an odd sort of parade coming towards him. Sam was walking next to Maybourne, who was shuffling along, lurching into walls in ways that looked painful. Sam's hand was resting on her belt knife. Teal'c was bringing up the rear with his knife already drawn.

Maybourne was looking dazed, confused – which Jack thought was fitting since in his opinion Maybourne had been dazed and confused since the first day they had met. As Jack watched with Daniel peering over his shoulder, Harry stumbled and walked head first into a candle sconce sticking out of the wall. Jack winced. Daniel inhaled sharply.

Maybourne just kept walking without making a sound.

"That's gonna leave a mark," Jack observed.

They got closer and now Jack could hear Harry muttering something incoherent under his breath.

"Is he drunk?" Daniel asked.

"Weirdest case of being drunk I've ever seen," Jack answered. Louder, to Carter, he said, "What is he saying?"

"Brains, sir," Sam answered, using her foot to guide Harry back to the center of the hallway. "It's all he's said since we found him wandering around in the woods."

"You found him?" Jack asked, "Is that why the two of you went wandering off this morning? To look for him?"

"No, sir," Sam answered, "We wanted to explore, just like we told you. But we ran into some people at the market who suggested that we should go find our missing 'friar'."

"And you did this?" Jack asked, incredulous.

Sam looked uncomfortable for a moment and then said, boldly, "Yes, sir."

Jack turned to Teal'c. "You went with her?"

"Yes."

"You didn't call me first?"

"We were not entirely certain you would care," he said, blandly.

Perplexed, Jack said, "Why did _you_?"

Teal'c answer was immediate and final. "I did not."

Jack flashed a look at Carter and she smiled weakly. She nudged Harry again to keep him from putting out an eye on the next candle sconce.

"Braaains," Harry muttered, shuffling past them and walking into the door of his room.

Sam reached around him and pushed the door open. Harry staggered inside and promptly fell down.

Jack regarded him closely, lying on the floor, still muttering.

"Is his leg supposed to be able to bend like that?" He asked.

"Oh my god," Daniel whispered.

"What?"

"He-he-he's been turned into a… a."

"Spit it out, Daniel!" Jack snapped.

Daniel looked from one team mate to the other. There was a certain amount of horror in his expression that was making the whole carillon of Jack's warning bells ring. In the room, Harry was rolling over and getting to his feet.

"I think," Daniel said. "I think he's been turned into a zombie!"

(0)

"Daniel," Sam said, "You don't believe someone can be turned into a zombie any more than I do!"

"No," Daniel admitted, "But look at him."

Maybourne was wandering around the room again, bumping into furniture and still muttering, "Braaaains." His head was lolled to the side and he was pulling up one arm as if it was about to fall off.

"If he was a zombie shouldn't there be more, you know," Jack made a vague gesture with his hand in Maybourne's direction, "decaying flesh? Rotting teeth? Hair falling out?"

"Well, I'm not a zombiologist," Daniel began.

"But you play one on TV?" Jack interrupted.

Daniel frowned at him. Jack smirked.

"I think we should go down into the village and ask around. That's where Maybourne went last night."

"The feast in the castle was too tame for him?" Jack asked.

Daniel shrugged. "Probably."

"I'll go," Sam said.

"As will I," Teal'c said.

Jack hesitated but decided that Sam's pretty face and congeniality would probably serve the purpose. The town folk liked and respected her and no one would bother her with Teal'c at her side.

"Go, but I want regular reports," Jack said. He didn't need any more of his people getting 'zombied'.

Not that he considered Maybourne one of his people.

Daniel turned to follow them and Jack caught his arm.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"I thought I'd go get Harry something to eat," Daniel said.

Jack gaped at him. "He wants brains."

Daniel shrugged. "Brains are a common food in some cultures. In some they're a delicacy. It's a vital source of Omega fatty acids. Indonesian cattle brain curry is quite good actually."

"_Why _do you tell me things?" Jack demanded. He looked a little green.

"I thought you'd find it interesting."

"What I find it is deeply disturbing!" Jack said.

At that moment Maybourne tried to shuffle out of the room.

"Braaains," he moaned, piteously.

Jack put a hand in the center of Maybourne's chest and shoved him back into the room. Then he slammed the door.

"Umm," Daniel said, slowly, "You really should keep an eye on him. He might go out the window."

"And this would be bad because…..?"

"Well, just the paperwork," Daniel reminded him.

Jack sighed. "Okay, go find him some…. Food. I'll stay here."

Daniel nodded. But he waited until Jack opened the door again.

"Go," Jack said, firmly.

"I'm going!" Daniel said; and he hurried down the stairs.

(0)


	2. Chapter 2

When Daniel got back upstairs with a bowl and spoon, Jack was blocking the bedroom door with his body and his drawn gun.

Daniel stared at him.

"You're going to shoot him?"

"Don't tempt me," Jack snarled.

"What happened?"

"He tried to bite me!"

"What?"

"He _did_ try to get out the window. When I stopped him he started gnawing on my skull!"

Grimacing, Jack gingerly touched a spot on his scalp. Daniel looked horrified.

"Did he break the skin?"

"No!" Jack snapped, "But it hurt like a son-of-a-bitch."

Maybourne came towards the door, whining petulantly. "Braaains."

"Am I wrong or is he starting to smell a little?" Daniel asked.

"Everything about Maybourne always stank!" Jack was well and truly irritated now. "For gods' sake tell me you got something that will shut him up." Maybourne got closer and Jack held up the gun in a no-nonsense way. "Back off. That's _my_ medulla oblongata."

Maybourne turned hopeful eyes to Daniel. "Braaains."

"Umm, yeah, here," Daniel pushed past Jack. "It's cattle but it should do."

He put the bowl and spoon on the floor and Maybourne promptly sat down in front of it like a puppet with cut strings.

"Brains!" Maybourne said, happily. He picked it up and curled his arms around the bowl like it was his favorite flavor of ice cream.

They watched him eat for barely a moment before they both turned away.

At that moment Sam came running back up the steps, followed by Teal'c.

"So what'd you find out?" Jack demanded, before she had even come to a halt.

"As near as we can figure this might not be entirely Maybourne's fault."

"Well that's a first," Jack grumbled, "So what happened?"

"While he was in town he started paying attention to a certain young lady," Sam began.

"Sounds like him," Jack said.

"The young lady displayed quite questionable taste when she returned the attention," Teal'c said. For someone who could give a report with apparent lack of emotion, there was a degree of distaste in his tone now.

"So this is about Maybourne having a roll in the hay with someone who was willing?" Daniel looked baffled.

"Wait for it," Jack advised.

"The young lady was willing," Teal'c said.

"Her parents weren't," Sam finished.

Jack shot a triumphant look at Daniel. "See? There's always another shoe."

"So what did they do?" Daniel asked.

"It seems her mother is the local healer," Sam went on.

"Witch," Daniel said.

"Pretty much," Sam agreed. "The townspeople said that her mother punished him with magic and told him to seek that which he does not have."

Jack found himself momentarily speechless. Daniel rarely suffered the same condition.

"And that was?"

"Well," Sam waved her hand towards Maybourne and the bowl, "Apparently, brains."

The four of them exchanged looks for a long time and then Jack burst out, "He couldn't have looked for, I don't know, compassion? A conscience? A reasonable sense of patriotism?"

"Do we know how they cursed him?" Daniel asked, as if it was perfectly logical question.

Jack was about to point that out when Sam said, "Yes, actually."

She produced several packets tied with ribbons from her vest pocket.

"The mother gave me these. She said she mixed them into his wine. She wrote down what each one is but I can't read them. Even if I could there I probably wouldn't know what they are."

She handed them to Daniel. "Well I can read it. But I don't know what they are either," he said. "There's a library in the castle though. I can probably find out."

"You go do that," Jack told Daniel.

"I'll help him, sir," Sam said, hurrying after the departing Daniel.

"Braaains," Maybourne moaned. He turned the bowl upside down and shook it as if he expected more to fall out.

Jack exchanged a look with Teal'c.

"He still look hungry to you?" Jack asked.

"Indeed," Teal'c replied.

Harry started pounding the bowl on the floor, moaning again.

"I'll go," Jack said, "Just don't let him go out the window."

"Why?" Teal'c demanded drily.

"Oh, Daniel said something about paperwork and….stuff. Just keep an eye on him and don't let him near your head."

Teal'c answered only with a raised eyebrow. Jack shook his head and left for the kitchen.

(0)

They were sitting on the threadbare hand woven rug in Maybourne's room. During Maybourne's third helping of cattle brain, Teal'c had chained his ankle to the foot of the bed. The man wasn't going anywhere now.

"All right, so what is this?" Jack demanded.

"Well this one," Daniel said, putting a packet on the floor in the center of their circle, "Is basically tetrodotoxin. It can leave a person in a state of near-death for several days, while the person remains conscious. Because of this it's been alleged as an ingredient in Haitian Vodou and the closest approximation of zombies."

"Is it fatal?" Jack asked.

"If he'd been given a lethal dose he'd already be dead," Daniel said.

"How much more does he need?" Teal'c growled.

"Teal'c," Sam chided.

"It can also cause cyanosis, which is why he seems to be turning blue," Daniel went on, "and low blood pressure."

"So," Jack said, "antidote?"

"None that I know of," Daniel shrugged. "But he's in no immediate danger as long as we keep him confined and the symptoms should run their course and be out of his system in a day or so. Then he'll be back to normal."

Jack snorted. "As if you can call his usual behavior 'normal'."

"Maybe it will improve," Daniel suggested.

Jack glanced at Maybourne, who was trying to shuffle towards the door but kept getting jerked back by the chain.

"Maybe," Jack said. "After all, they say you are what you eat."

(0)

"Jack! What the hell are we waiting for? Unchain me right now!" Maybourne demanded.

"Oh, I think it can wait a few more…." He trailed off.

"Hours?" Daniel guessed.

"I was going to say days, but hours works," Jack replied.

Maybourne made a frustrated noise and yanked on the chain.

"We're waiting to make sure you don't want to gnaw on any of our skulls," Jack said.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Harry asked, looking perplexed.

"To seek sustenance," Teal'c answered, looking up briefly from the chess game he was playing with Daniel.

"Sustenance?" Harry repeated. "Jack is something wrong with your Jaffa?"

"He's not my Jaffa," Jack answered, "and no he's fine. You were the one with the, uh, condition."

"Condition?"

"You wanted brains, to eat," Jack explained.

"That's disgusting!" Harry gasped.

"Actually it's a delicacy in some cultures. Daniel can tell you all about it. Can't you Daniel?"

Without looking away from the board, Daniel said. "That's right. The brain of animals are used in French cuisine, in _cervelle de veau_ and _tête de veau _for example. A dish called Magaj is popular in Gujurat, Pakistan, Bangladesh and diaspora countries. The Anyang tribe of Cameroon practiced a tradition in which a new tribal chief would consume the brain of a hunted gorilla while another senior member of the tribe would eat the heart."

"Stop!" Maybourne whined, plaintively. "Jack, make him stop!"

"Oh, he's just getting started. Aren't you, Daniel?"

Daniel glanced at Jack, confused. "Usually you want me to shut up," he said.

Before Jack could answer, Sam said, "I think I liked him better as a zombie."

"He did have his charm, when he wasn't trying to chew on my head," Jack said.

"Keeping him supplied with brains could be expensive," Daniel pointed out, "unless he can live in Paris."

"What the hell are you all talking about!" Maybourne was looking thunderous.

"When you were a zombie –"

"I was _not _a zombie!"

"Oh you so _were_," Jack said, "And you had some pretty strange dietary requirements."

"Meaning?

"Brains," Sam, Jack and Daniel all said the same thing.

Maybourne looked horrified. "I ate brains?"

"There's probably still some in the kitchen, if you want," Jack went on, blithely, "They're probably still good. Anyone know the expiration date on cattle brains?"

Three heads gave a negative shake and Sam said, "Not information I've ever come across, sir."

Maybourne had turned a particularly sick looking shade of pale.

"I think we better let him go, sir," Sam said.

"Why?"

"I think we're about to see all those brains he ate in their predigested form."

"Oh!" Jack scrambled over and unlocked the giant padlock holding the chain. Harry leapt to his feet and bolted out of the room.

"Good to see him moving fast again," Sam commented.

"Is it?" Jack asked.

"Yes, sir," Sam said, uncertainly.

"Daniel, we still got that zombie powder?

"Yeah, why?" Daniel asked.

Jack shrugged. "May come in handy someday, if Maybourne ever acts up again."

SG1 all exchanged bland, neutral looks for a moment – until Jack grinned a little wickedly and then they all started to laugh.

(0)


End file.
